JOKE!
While I was watching golf tournament last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.
Man, sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.
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JOKE!
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.
Again the wife speeds up to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "So what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says,...
"The airbag."
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JOKE!
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Darn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
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JOKE!
A man and a woman are laying in bed, kissing, and it starts getting heavy and she stops him. She says "I don't feel like having sex. I just want to hold you for a while." He says, "WHAT!?" and she says, "Why can't you just love me for the woman I am and not for what I do for you in bed?"
The next day they are shopping, and the woman is picking out a TON of expensive outfits. She tries them all on, and picks out the ones that she likes the most. He says "Why don't you get all of them?" Excited, the woman takes the articles of clothing and continues shopping. She picks out a couple of pairs of shoes, and he tells her to take them all. The woman is VERY excited now. She see's a bracelet, and the price reads 0.00. She looks at him, and she tells her to take it.
As she is reaching the register, the man, almost exploding with anticipation, says, "I don't feel like buying all of this stuff. I just wanted you to HOLD them for a while." The woman looks at him angrily, and the man says, "Why can't you just love me for the man I am and not for the amount of money I spend on you in stores?"
...He slept on the couch that night.
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JOKE!
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep
end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.
When the head nurse director became aware of Edna's heroic act,she
immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to
be
mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Because you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another
patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind on your part.
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the
bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,but he's
dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?"
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Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in
front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Harvey ," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I
see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much
that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped
balloons, and my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"
She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just
one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a
soft, thoughtful voice, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your
eyesight."
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4 High School buddies go to a bar after a reunion. As the night goes on.. the subject turns to their sons. Just then, one buddy gets up to go to the lavatory.
The first buddy gloats: "My son is my pride and joy. Straight out of college, he invested in a local mining firm. Wouldn't you know it.. they struck diamonds, and now he's a multi-millionaire! He's doing so well, he gave a full set of diamonds to a good friend." All the buddies cheered and had a toast to that bit of good news.
The second buddy boasts: "Junior went to a good engineering college. He met some folks from the company he trained with.. worked his way up, and now, he owns a good portion of the business. In fact, he's so well off, he gave his sweetheart a private jet!" Again, the glasses clinked together.
The third buddy prouldly states: "My boy sure made me proud. After changing from art school to puruse construction, he made it as a designer of luxury homes. He now lives in his own mansion, and gets home orders from some of the richest peole in the state! He's very giving too.. he built a mansion for his best friend!" Once more, the buddies lited.
Just then, the fourth buddy came back from the baffroom. He asked: "You guys look happy.. what did I miss?"
"We were talking about our sons. By the way, how's Jeff doing?"
4th buddy says: "Well, my son Jeff just came out of the closet last Summer. Turns out he's gay, and dances at a high-class gay club."
"Oh no." said one buddy.
"What a disappointment." said another.
"Oh not at all. He's my son, and I love him. In fact, his dancing must be real good... cus for Christmas he got a set of diamonds, a private jet, and a new mansion from his 3 boyfriends."
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A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.
I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."
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